Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Habit 5, "Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood," involves a deep shift in paradigm. This habit is about listening with the intent to understand before seeking to be understood. Most people listen with the intent to reply, either speaking or preparing to speak. This approach often leads to misunderstandings and ineffective communication.

Covey identifies four basic types of communication: reading, writing, speaking, and listening. He notes that in comparison to the many hours spent learning the first three, listening has been neglected. Seeking to first understand involves a very deep paradigm shift because we typically seek first to be understood. We tend to listen with the intent of replying rather than understanding.

Empathic listening is listening with the intent to understand. It involves getting inside another person's frame of reference, seeing the world as they see it, and understanding how they feel. This approach to listening is powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. It takes time, but nowhere near the time that it takes to correct misunderstandings.

Knowing how to be understood is the second half of Habit 5 and equally critical to reaching Win-Win solutions. Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win-Win solutions require a high degree of both.

Practical Example: Picture a project manager meeting with a distressed team member who is experiencing challenges with their workload. Instead of immediately offering solutions or directing the team member to adjust their time management, the project manager begins by asking open-ended questions to understand the situation: "I've noticed you seem overwhelmed lately. Can you help me understand what challenges you're facing?". As the team member explains their struggles, the project manager practices active and empathetic listening, focusing on both words and emotional cues. They might respond, "It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure and could use some support". After the team member feels fully understood, the project manager shares their perspective and they collaboratively brainstorm solutions. This approach not only addresses the immediate issue but also strengthens their working relationship because the team member feels valued and heard.